SLAP BILA SWEEP

In your adult life, have you ever been slapped, well Meria was, let me waste your bundles with a hekaya.

It was in 2004, meria had been in Mombasa 8 yrs na nilikua namaside hustle mob, among this was kupandisha magari numberless Nairobi, used to be like once a week lakini kazi ikiwa mob was a car every day, yaani nilikua nalala kwa mbus ya kurudi alafu morning you take another car and the cycle continues. I was crazy those days, speeds 160 and above, we used to race one another up to Nairobi to find out who’s the man.

Anyway in 2004 the G-touring was the car in hot demand and they were being gobbled up by Kenyans like @kawambui na changaa, it was like my 20^th trip kupandisha gari so I was experienced and knew many things about the road like where to take fare paying passengers so that you can get maximum returns on your trip.

Hii siku tulikua msafara wa G-touring 20, zote zilikua green, tukaondoka Mombasa at 8 in the morning na by the time tufike miritini mcezo ambao tulikua twapenda ulikua ushaanza, yaani pedal to the metal, finya kitu nginya gikaania (greek) hakuna mtu alikua ana taka kurukwa, vehicles were being delivered to a show room on Thika road. Ilikua ufikishe gari, ukamate pesa, uingie mbus ya usiku and the following morning you do it all over again. (it still happens up to today)

Sasa sisi hao tumepita voi, tukapita mtito, mchezo ni ule ule, you were being overtaken ukichelewa kupita lori, now after kiima kiu Meria was number 2, kuna chizi alikua mbele yangu na ata nijaribu yangu yote nilikua simpati, just before konza kuna mahali barabara ilikua imefula katikati ni lazima you had to align your wheels properly, this were the days before strabog and mugoya made the road, yaani barabara imefula katikati, mimi huyo nimeuma bottom lip am thinking about the guy infront (ungethania kuna prize tulikua twapewa ukifika wa kwanza) nikaona mbus imeovetake convoy of 6 lorries on my lane heading straight at me, nikamwashia mataa akawasha, jamaa ankuja tu, kuona jamaa ako serious kunituma kwa sir God had no option but nitoke kwa road, kupanda kile kibump kiko in between my wheels nikaskia metal grinding gravel, guess ma dere here know what happened. Sump kutoboka.

Took me a few hundred meters to stop and by then gauge ilikua juu, there I was disabled, siwezi songa mbele au nyuma, kama kawa meria hastuki, I knew there were 18 cars behind me na nitapata usaidizi, well I was so wrong.

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Hehehe, gari zingine zote tulikua pamoja zilipita kaa safari rally nikaachawa peke yangu kichakani, only one lady I think in car number 14 slowed down akanirushia maji chupa ya 1 litre.

So, ther I was stranded wondering what to do when this Toyota landcruiser pickup road patrol belonging to a company with hundreds of trucks came up and pulled over, deree mwarabu mnono kuliko kush mara tano akaniuliza iko shida, nikamuonyesha line ya oil ile gari imemwaga, akauliza sasa unataka aje, I just told him I have to get to Nairobi, kauliza niko na mangapi nikamshow ndovu, in 2004 ndovu was a lot of money. Within no time I was hooked to a 3 meter chain, before we left akaniuliza, ‘ulishawai vutwa’ with confidence I said yes.

We got into the vehicles na safari ikaanza tena, haki ya mungu ni waambie ukweli within 3 minutes we were doing over 200kms per hr na nimevutwa, meria huyo amekauka na steering shinning his eyes roho imeacha kudunda mate imekauka nikianga;ia kifo na macho nikakanyanga brakes, gradually we came to a halt and my heart came from my mouth and settled at the normal place na nika lalia steering. Out of the corner of my eye nikaona jamaa mnono amefungua mlango yake akija kwa gari yangu, with lots of effort nikafungua kioo was about to ask him vipi ananipeleka speedi ya kwenda kwa shetani when I met his podgy hand, nilipigwa slap side ya left nikaskia brain imezunguka mara tano, akienda kuludisha slap na back hand nikahepa nikalalia gear lever, hapo ndipo niliona stars (tuthumuni in greek) the whole universe was revolving 3cms from my eyes in 3D, I saw jupiter, Uranus, Saturn with the beautiful rings and the Andromeda galaxy. Mean while fat guy was frothing obscenities from the mouth eti ohh unanikanyagia breki naenda burnt forest kurescue gari mbili naingine kampala, nilikua namskia kwa mbali nikaa naota, then big guy akafungua mlango akanivuta inje.

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last time i had seen stars was during a fotball match in form 2 when nikiwa tumepanga wall ya freekick the ball hit me squarly on the forehead, last time i had been slapped i couldint even remember, well, mbari itu ndiikagio kaara iniuru (greek) fat guy kunivuta inje ya gari i reacted intictively (simunajua @wong ni wa kwetu) and i jumped on his back and locked a chock hold, he was taken by surprise na iliingia vizuri sana on his elephantine neck, however much he tried meria alikufa na hio shingo, sikuacaha, i called upon all my fore fathers to give me perseverance to slay this goliath, how can you slap a man who had gone to a cold river early one morning?

He scratched me, he bit my hand but I didn’t let go, all this time his co-driver was watching with a bemused smile. After what seemed like a fortnight akaacha kustruggle na tukaanguka chini on the dust by the side of the road. The shock of hitting the ground made me relax my hold na al last nikamuachilia. We lay there for like two minutes getting our breath back.

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Sijui ilikujaaje tukaanza kucheka, right there sleeping on the dust, cant remember if it’s the co-driver who started but soon we were all laughing our eyes out, we stood up dusted one another fat guy kush X five akaniuliza mbona sikusema sijawai vutwa, co-driver akaingia kwa g-touring na mimi huyo kwa land cruiser passenger seat na safari ikaanza tena, fat guy kasema fungua dashboard compartment which I did nikapata miraa, ile kangeta ndefu na big G, from under his seat akatoa colomboo, ile wed side moja konde size ya bic biro na side ingine kubwa kama big toe akaniambia niwashe, mwathani Jehovah, last time I had smoked weed was in form 4 na hapa kuna weed enough kuangusha hii kijiji yote. Anyway aftr kuvuta na kuanza kangeta I remember nikirusha macho nikichungulia sppedometer naona iko 200 namuuliza mbona tumesmama.

Fast forward 3 hrs later, we were the first at the yard on thika road, after uncoupling the vehicles fat guy called me aside and whispered, ‘ile siku utajua kupeleka gari uje nukuandike kazi’  which I did several months later (hekaya for another day).

Na kutoka siku hio sija slapiwa tena, hebu jaribu uone.

Have you ever been slapped? Please share your experience.

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